Lawyers and the experience of dealing with people's problems require understanding that laughter and acceptance of time constraints means we all need to take a break and look through different lenses. In this website section about Legal Humor, enjoy such a break, and if so inclined, add a funny thought and giggle, as the older readers may have heard the 'Mikey Life Cereal' commercial of many moons ago, "Try it you'll like it".
Did you hear the one about the lawyer.......? SOME ARE BITTING COMMENTARIES, SARCASTIC, SEXIST BECAYSE THAT IS A PART OF LEGAL HISTORY AND SOCIETAL HISTORY, SOME X-RATED, SOME ARE IRONIC AND AS WITH ALL HUMOR SOME PLAY UPON STEREO TYPES, PARTIAL TRUTH AND SOME SWEAR THEY ARE TRUE....
Below is a running document that is not original to Zacks Law but assembled and copied over years from various sources in a Word document for use on a future legal comedy webpage....the authorship is not known of every joke or retort but if known there is citation resource after the content....
Attorney Q & A Form Jokes
( Listen carefully imaging you hear the drums & cymbal sound after each A... ......................Badda Boom, Badda Boom... Baddada Boom..... .....................................................................
or Try reading in cadence like you are Rodney Dangerfield, a'zul. )
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.
Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.
Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Literary Lawyer Putdowns
The Penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
- H. L. Mencken
Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
- Winston Churchill
Lorenzo Dow, a 19th century evangelist, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter night. At the local general store he saw the town's lawyers gathered around the potbellied stove.
Dow told the men about a recent vision in which he had been given a tour of hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. One of the lawyers asked what he had seen.
"Very much what I see here," Dow said. "All of the lawyers gathered in the hottest place."
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. -- Montesquieu
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
- David Mellor (b. 1949), British Conservative politician
A fox may steal your hens, Sir,
A whore your health and pence, Sir,
Your daughter rob your chest, Sir,
Your wife may steal your rest, Sir,
A thief your goods and plate.
But this is all but picking,
With rest, pence, chest and chicken;
It ever was decreed, Sir,
If lawyer's hand is fee'd, Sir,
He steals your whole estate.
- John Gay (1685-1732), English dramatist. Peachum, in The Beggar's Opera, act 1, sc. 9, Air 11.
I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.
- Samuel Johnson (1709-84), English author, lexicographer.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
Story Jokes (Hey Notice the line indent when a new one starts...)
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
- Contributed by Bob Dittrick
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
- Contributed by Tom Gaffney
There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"
The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, "Caribbean Cruise--$99.00". He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
The District Attorney replied, "They didn't last year!"
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.”
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer's cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died. Now the farmer's son claimed ownership.
"I'll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don't worry about the cows."
The next day the farmer's son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his.
"I'll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don't worry about the cows."
Later, his secretary asked, "How can the cows belong to both?"
"Don't worry about the cows," the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours."
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well."
They all climbed into the limousine - no easy task - and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."
The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer," he said. "How much for a quickie law degree?"
"About $50,000," the lawyer said, "But why bother?"
"That's my business. Get me the course."
Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
"Please, before it's too late," said the lawyer, "Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?"
As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, "One less lawyer."
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- Pete Luchini
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."
It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that?"
The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars.
"The judge is an honorable man," the horrified senior partner exclaimed. "If you do, I guarantee you'll lose the case."
The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer's client.
"Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars?" the senior partner asked.
"I did send them," the young lawyer answered, "I just enclosed the opposition's business card."
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
- from Ray Martinez
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
- from Andrea Swingley
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer, "Where is my Rolex?"
- from Dave Partee
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
- from Dave Partee
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant doesn't answer.
The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, " He doesn't know what you're talking about "
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the hammer and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the ever-so-polite bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time.)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to himself, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walk-up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies,"Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer." And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer"
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to a exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the bill will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves. Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner?
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay my son," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.'
The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.'
The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.'
The fourth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...'
The fifth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers; they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
A local volunteer called to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated United Way volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."
The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"
The lawyer smiles and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer calmly replied. "I only have to outrun you."
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
The following four jokes are contributed by Ken Laninga, God help him… If you want a collection of all kinds of jokes, check out Ken's Jokes...
Saddam Hussein, a lawyer and a doctor were discussing whether or not they would donate, after death, their brains to science, and what sort of price they would ask for their estates, in return. The lawyer said that after his illustrious career in jurisprudence, he would ask for $100,000. The doctor said that, having saved thousands of lives with his skill, he would demand $200,000. Saddam insisted on at least a million dollars for his brain, because it had never been used
One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," says the genie.
The man is ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the genie continues. "What catch?" asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously. The genie replies, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replies the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asks the genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," says the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars," replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the genie reminds the man. "Well, that's OK, as long as I've got MY million," replies the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plants and minerals conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
OKES AND HUMOROUS MUSINGS.....